There is so much cruelty in the world. Suffering begets suffering. It has become very hard for me to read the news, yet I do, why? I have to know what is going on, yet I am still astonished at the behaviours I see exhibited. I have to stop and remember to breathe, to calm myself, to not cry at all the horrible scenes unfolded before me. I have to remember that I am far away from those actual events geographically. It is astonishing the deceit and the misery and the mental illness and the power mongering. I wonder, what will become of us in the years to come as the pollution and the chemtrails and the genetically modified food and the programming on television and the outright oppression reach critical mass. Will we all be mutants? Is there any way to stay truely healthy and mentally free? Is there any way to be true to our Arts and our souls, without simply regurgitating what we have been force-fed? Maybe I am still somewhat depressed over my miscarriage, but I am finding that my normal defense mechanisms are thin. I percieve too clearly, too empathically, I FEEL too much to be faced with such visions of suffering.

America - A Nation Of Monsters
I have to say I agree with both letters here, haha. What a sad state of affairs. I can understand the Canadian's fear of living right next to an emerging totalitarian superpower. He is right for the most part about the general apathetic Amerikan zombie. We are a zombie nation. But, we are not all mindless slaves, there are alot of us who are deeply afraid, and await the construction of the most evil and insidious fascist regime ever to disgrace this planet with shivers of horror. Because of advances in technology, this level of "big brother" has never been attainable before. Maybe as an artist, I am lucky to be in the center of it, so that I can use it in my Works. Maybe as an artist I will be one of the first to be sent to a detention/brainwashing camp.


I have not been blogging for several days due to my depression over my miscarriage, but I am feeling better now. Post more soon.

Oh and by the way, I am Scorpio, u have been warned...

I just painted a new piece called "Human Zygote as Planet". A cathartic piece to symbolize my miscarriage, yet also part of my interest in painting outerspace and specifically nebulas. I am really proud of this piece. Often I am out at night, stargazing, in the country, the milky way clear, and that is definately an influence here. Time ceases to control me when I am alone or with my Mate under the sky, standing on the earth, looking out into the vastness of possibilities and hope, and the auras of the sleeping rising like mist to soar freely if only for a little while.

Well, I am moving my website right now, and am hoping to get Blogger to work on it. It's a free site, so who knows...

Here are the results of an Enneagram Test I took. It's frighteningly accurate, even the negative traits.

Wired 10.09: Vision Quest
This is so exciting, I want to be Borg too! Why not upgrade "the robot" that is our bioselves? I want to be uber! Oh and speaking of robots, this robot teaches itself to fly. Both these stories made me shiver with delight and wonder.

Turn Yourself In and Get It Over With

In secret, she leans over, slips open the curtain
just a tiny bit, cold glass, cold cheek pressed against the sill
there is an eerie silence on the streets tonight
dancing and laughing and strolling have long since
been outlawed, and all handshakes are recorded.
She sighs, her breath misting against the pane
and it obscures her view for a moment-
she panics, and slides away from the window in a rush.
She looks over at her husband,
who is videotaping her every move.

-Medüsa Shên dé Møøn

You will see this scenario in Amerika just like we saw it in old Nazi Germany. It's the end of the world as we know it in this country which should be ashamed of itself. Anyone got a hamlet in Europe I could rent? Oh wait, that's all flooded. Hmm looks like I might have to go to ....Canada? Antarctica? The Moon?

Today I am tired, my legs are cramped, I am unwashed, hot, sick to the soul, and I just wanna sleep forever. But I also want to live, I want to be happy, and I feel guilty for wanting to be happy because I just lost my baby. My baby. We never own another entity, I know this. Every soul must follow its own path. I am at a loss for rationalization and yet wisdom keeps rearing its head.
Shhhhhh..... there is no such thing as permanence. There are only moments of connexion, of one soul touching another, i shen de shen
and then there is silence, and a cool breeze in the night air, and the stars that go on seemingly forever. There is only quietness and peace beyond all the mayhem and sorrow that is life. This place of solace is the current from which life leaps out, we cannot be without it. We forget to hear it rushing beneath us, to wash our blood-soaked hands and mudcaked feet in it.
I want a souvenier, a momento, proof that I had this being within me, that there was this Other that was a part of my current, that my Mate and I had a true Love-child. I am left with empty hands and a feeling that my life is no longer whole. I want Art to wash me clean, I want earth and sky uncorrupted. I feel betrayed by the Goddesses, I feel ridiculous for even saying that. I hurt, I am filled with an overwhelming survival instinct in the face of death. I don't want to be this sad forever.

An asian morning, grey layers of concrete
hotel rooms, the washbasin.
A wind-blown reed, in the evening
on the lake, wild birds, or deeper
schools of fish, clear lagoon water.
O the trees, the pen upon paper
the scratching of the devil, at the door
listening to your own inner ear.

Benevolent ink lays over me,
cleaves me open, sutures my wounds,
and I am caught, as if by a sudden stillness.

Medüsa Shên dé Møøn.

I had a miscarriage. I found out there is a staggering 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Which means there was nothing I could have done. I am devastated. Because I did everything right, and it was for naught. I am helpless. I have lost more and more deeply than I ever thought possible. There is a special place that pregnant women live in, it is a radiant garden, free of all ugliness, filled with the sweetest joy and bliss, filled with luminence. I have been cast out of that place in a torrent of blood and pain and sorrow. The lava has erupted into a deadly volcano, destroying the garden which resided on top of the ancient mountain. There is an eerie silence. Wind blows in strange gusts, like on the coast, only there is no scent of seawater, only blood and tears.

Viewer's Guide: Perseid Meteor Shower Peaks Sunday & Monday
I saw some meteors, racing and falling across the sky. It was awe inspring, beautiful. The night was clear and the nebulas of the milky way were highly visible. The moon, a crescent moon, was illuminated for some reason, I could see it's complete roundness, like a giant fat planet hanging there on the horizon, so close to earth. I was aware of standing on a planet, of being in my own scifi, of being so small and yet so much a part of the vastness that is life.

Well, U may have noticed my absence for a couple of days. Turns out my menstrual cycle ended abruptly as it began. I am now pregnant with my first child. I am in awe, dreamy, calmly blissful, excited, scared, nervous, and enlightened. I am luminous and ill, and inspired. I wasn't going to post this, but this is my Blog, and since I lack a support structure of a circle of females, I will share here, and hope to achieve some surcease from the lonliness of the suffering and the joy. My Mate is of course more wonderful and attentive than any woman could hope for, but how could I leave the most important news and process in my life out of my Blog?

My child is now a mere zygote, not yet a fetus, yet I am filled with its presence like a mystic is filled with the current of prana and moonlight. Concieved under Hekate moon (darkmoon), surely the goddesses have taken notice, and send blessings like rain and wind to satiate me in my bliss. I no longer walk every step alone on my own twofeet, my Mate beside me. I am now 2 sentient beings, and have discovered that Life is more zen than I had ever thought possible. Every moment unfolds into the world like an eternal flower, an amaranth, a lotus, a quietness of being and breathing, and an undercurrent of feral power, like lava from an ancient mountain, which has been sleeping under snow lo all these many years.

Father's Poem, Son's Conviction. Fascism and censorship has its own special kind of madness. Behavior that in any enlightened society would send the oppressor to the mental asylum, is common and vulgar, and cruel.

Tonight I have alot on my mind, and so will offer u some delightful links to peruse:

meet the rabbit !!!
karusele. spin the lever

Kidnapping for kicks in New York is a story about a service that will kidnap willing victims for alot of money. This true news story is alot like Fight Club, and it is really interesting.